Bears sign Manning

CHICAGO — With the relative dearth of quality backup quarterbacks available, the Chicago Bears have decided to shore up the position by signing Peyton Manning – not the brother of Eli and son of Archie, but the 26-year-old die hard Bears fan who drunkenly agreed to change his name from Scott Wiese to Peyton Manning if the Bears lost Super Bowl XLI.

Though Wiese has never played organized football and measures only 5′11″ and 190 lbs of pure idiocy, the Chicago front office is confident he’ll bring a level of commitment and desire that has been missing from the team.

“Clearly this guy is willing to give it all for the team,” Bears GM Jerry Angelo told SSNN. “If Rex brought that kind of love for the Bears to the table, I have to believe he’d throw fewer embarrassing interceptions. Listen, if this guy can teach our athletes how to care, it’s a big plus for us; if not, we’re hoping that they’ll at least be annoyed that some schmuck named Peyton Manning is hanging around all year. Maybe that will get something out of them.”

Though concerns were raised about wasting cap dollars on a fan with no football ability, Angelo decided that Lance Briggs’ likely holdout will free up plenty of cash for Manning.

“It’s a dream come true,” Manning said. “Not to be named Peyton Manning; that sucks. But being a Bear is freakin’ awesome!”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!