Walton booked for distribution

SPOKANE, WA — Bill Walton was arrested Wednesday after it was discovered he was responsible for providing the illegal drugs found on two Gonzaga basketball players earlier this month. Bulldogs Josh Heytvelt and Theo Davis were arrested on February 9, after hallucinogenic mushrooms and a marijuana cigarette [Ed. Note: Also called a reefer, a joint, a spliff, etc.] were found in a car Heytvelt was driving. Walton took full responsibility for the situation. “Josh and Theo knew I had connections in the Pacific Northwest, so they reached out to me. Yeah, I helped them score - it’s cool, right?” Walton asked police as they led him up the courthouse stairs. “Josh asked how to do them, and I told him ‘throw it down, big man!’ It’s all about expanding your mind.” Before Walton is formally charged, a hearing will be held to determine whether years of virtually constant drug use have eroded his mind to the point where he is unable to understand the charges against him or aid in his own defense.

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!