NASCAR to scrap Daytona

DAYTONA, FL — NASCAR officials shocked fans and drivers alike with Thursday evening’s announcement that the Daytona 500 - considered racing’s Super Bowl, despite being the first event of the year - would not take place this year. In lieu of the running of the race, NASCAR will award medals to those drivers who have not been caught in any rules violations yet this season. The cancellation comes on the heels of Jeff Gordon’s failed inspection, which had been preceded by Michael Waltrip’s crew chief’s indefinite suspension, and before that … [Ed. Note: In the spirit of this article being called a 'brief,' we were forced to truncate the complete list of rules violations]. “It gets to a point where you start to wonder who isn’t cheating. This is not baseball, for Christ’s sake,” said NASCAR Chairman and CEO Brian France. “The board of directors met and decided it would be better just to give replica Daytona 500 trophies to the three or four legal drivers and move on to the next race.” According to Mr. France, there are actually dozens of races planned for this NASCAR season.

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!