Jones mourns Smith, hires Phillips

DALLAS, TX — In a tragic turn of events, Anna Nicole Smith was found dead Thursday morning, effectively removing herself from consideration for the Cowboys head coaching position. As a result, Dallas President Jerry Jones settled for Wade Phillips as the successor to Bill Parcells.

Before her untimely death, Ms. Smith was considered a front-runner for the position, which opened suddenly when Parcells unexpectedly retired last month. Jones had held several closed-door interview sessions with the former Playboy centerfold and was reportedly thrilled with the results of those meetings.

“Anna embodied many of the qualities we look for in members of the Dallas organization,” Jones said after hearing of Smith’s passing. “I was looking forward to bringing her into the fold, so to speak, but in lieu of that I have decided to bring in Wade Phillips as my head coach.”

Smith had been out of football since her 2003 appearance as an offensive line-woman at the Lingerie Bowl, but apparently jumped up and down at the chance to be the Cowboys’ chief.

A close friend who spoke on condition of anonymity told SSNN that “Anna had never been a coach before, but she certainly knew the ins and outs of player personnel, and she already had a fantastic working relationship with the Dallas Cheerleading squad.”

Phillips refused to discuss Anna Nicole explicitly, but did tell reporters that “anyone with bigger breasts than me has no business patrolling the sidelines of the gridiron. Except Charlie Weiss, of course.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!