Illini name new mascot

CHAMPAIGN, IL — In a long-anticipated announcement, the University of Illinois sent controversial Chief Illiniwek packing to the reservation where, in the words of the colorful, feather-laden mascot, “the firewater will rain like Bombay in June. You see, I’m really into all aspects of this Indian thing.” Not surprisingly, the University chose to honor its renowned computer science department, where the World Wide Web was truly born, by introducing its new mascot, Internet Super-Highwayman. The entire faculty of the Engineering School was on hand to welcome I.S.Hi-Man (as he’s affectionately referred to by the Ph.D.s and most of the athlete-students), who made a spectacular entrance on a skateboard crafted from computer hard disks. Undoubtedly, the mascot’s flashy new uniform – Al Gore mask, size 52 stout navy pin-striped Men’s Club suit, green tie, and black Florsheim wing tips – will inspire generations of future Illinois athletes.

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!