Grossman afflicted with debilitating disease

CHICAGO, IL — In a shocking move Wednesday, Chicago Bears quarterback Rex Grossman called a press conference to announce that he was ready for the Bears’ Super Bowl game with the Indianapolis Colts and that he wanted to guarantee victory. When informed by reporters that the game occurred over two weeks ago and that many people attributed the loss to his poor performance, Grossman asked “I couldn’t have been that bad, could I?” When told he had three turnovers, including an interception returned for a touchdown, the young QB moaned and passed out.

While many will mock Grossman, what he experienced is the onset of a serious medical condition known as “Kelly’s Disease”. This rare form of Alzheimer’s is named after former Buffalo Bills quarterback Jim Kelly, a four-time Super Bowl loser. Because the four losses came in consecutive years, the damage was so severe that it was widely considered irreparable. To this day Kelly does not remember any of his Super Bowl appearances.

Those in the medical community are encouraged that Grossman may still recover. “In many cases the quarterback takes months to acknowledge that the game happened, so I’m holding out hope that he’ll be okay,” said Kelly’s Disease specialist Jack Kevorkian. “But for those imagining Grossman will become a successful quarterback, it may be time to readjust your expectations.”

Grossman is currently being held at Northwestern Memorial Hospital and is said to be in good condition. Doctors expect to release him before the end of February. “It would have been a lot sooner, but we have quite a few Bears fans on staff here, so he’s not exactly getting the best care,” Kevorkian explained. “I was in his room about an hour ago and saw that one of our nurses stuck three knives in his right arm and spray-painted Brian Griese’s name all over the walls.”

There have been cases of athletes not only living with Kelly’s Disease, but overcoming it and succeeding in their sport. The most notable is John Elway, who miraculously overcame the disease in 1998, and by all accounts is now living a normal life. Kevorkian also treated Elway, and says they were ready to put him down when “all of a sudden he turned the corner.” When asked what similarities he sees between Elway and Grossman, Kevorkian enjoyed a hearty chortle and said “None. Absolutely zero.”

Current research seeks to discover whether athletes in other sports are vulnerable to the sickness. A study by Northwestern Memorial Hospital cites a number of athletes, from Barry Bonds to Karl Malone, as possible examples of Non-Football Kelly’s Disease.

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!