Parcells commits Cardinal sin

DALLAS, TX — Bill Parcells made no friends in Dallas Monday morning when - in an apparent speech mixup - he began his “retirement” press conference by announcing his acceptance of the head coaching job in Arizona. “I am thrilled to be able to accept this position,” Parcells told a baffled group of reporters. “On behalf of the entire Cardinals’ organization, I want to say that we expect this coming year and the years to follow to be winning ones here in the des- … wait - what’s the date? Oh, boy… This is embarrassing. I’ve got my January 23rd statement here. It’s the 22nd, isn’t it? Hold on, I’ve got that one somewhere.” After nearly a minute of digging through the pockets of his nylon tracksuit, Parcells pulled out a crumpled piece of paper and read, “I regret to inform you that I have coached my last game.” He went on to cite a loss of passion and lack of desire as reasons for his retirement from the Dallas Cowboys and the sport of football, presumably forever.

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!