Jeremy Shockey’s offseason to-do list leaked to press

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ — News broke late Sunday night that Jeremy Shockey’s closely guarded offseason to-do list, which he has carried in his helmet on a piece of notebook paper throughout the season, was found by a member of the Lincoln Financial Field cleanup crew on about the 35-yard line, near the right hashmark.

Apparently, when Shockey’s helmet came off during a play around midfield in Sunday’s game, the list fell out. Shockey didn’t realize it was missing at all until he was informed upon the Giants’ return to New Jersey following their 23-20, season-ending defeat.

“I am outraged that my personal property has been compromised,” Shockey said in a phone interview. “Plus, I need the list back, so I know what I need to do.”

All told, Shockey has 19 things on tap for the 2007 offseason. Several items, including ‘work out’ and ‘pay bills,’ are items that are pretty standard fare for professional athletes in the offseason. Some of the items, Shockey indicated, he’ll be able to take care of this weekend, like installing wireless Internet in his house, and changing the burnt out globe vanity lights in the guest bathroom (item 6).

“The thing is, I gotta remember to get the right kind of light bulbs, so really that should have been two things,” Shockey noted.

Item number four on the list has been revised throughout the season, apparently. Originally, it read “Join military,” but that had been crossed out and replaced with “Form militia (under auspices of second amend.)” Also, item nine on the list reads “End #17’s Rein of Terror (sic),” believed to be a plot to kill Giants wide out Plaxico Burress.

Also in the offseason, Shockey plans on mailing a card to retiring tailback Tiki Barber; learning Mandarin Chinese; bowling a 300 game; and achieving balance.

Only one item—pay bills—was repeated on the list (it was also listed as item 12). “I want to focus on that this offseason,” Shockey noted.

The last item on the list makes reference to how Shockey plans to spend some of his free nights.

“Models and bottles, baby,” he said. “Because that’s how we roll.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!