“Dubya” pardons Canseco, McGwire, Palmeiro, Sosa

WASHINGTON, DC — At a hastily-convened Rose Garden press conference yesterday afternoon, President George W. Bush announced that he had just signed a Presidential Pardon clearing Jose Canseco, Mark McGwire, Rafael Palmeiro and Sammy Sosa of all steroid-related charges. Flanked by former Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert and official Presidential Impersonators Kevin Nealon and Dana Carvey, the President pronounced, “In the great tradition of our recently defarted ex-President, Henry Ford, it is my honor and privilege to emancipate three great Americans, and try to heal the wounds and bring our nation back together around the Amercian pass dime. As former owner of the Texas Rangers, I know these men live by that great American tradition: winning at all costs.”

Helen Thomas, the lone press corps representative, reminded the President, “Excuse me, sir, but none of the men you just pardoned have been arrested or convicted of anything. Also, none of them ever won anything while members of the Texas Rangers.”

In response the President giggled, shook his shoulders, and retorted, “Heh, heh, heh. Good point, Helen. But you have to understand, my friends here are world-class experts in undetectable weapons of mass destruction, and a valuable national resource. As you know, the Rangers ownership (under my direction) has already signed Sammy and we’re in the process of adding Mark, Jose, and Raffy as well. Even if we don’t win a World Series ring, we’ll definitely win the All-Star tug-of-war.”

In an independent press release, the Rangers announced the signings of Daryl Strawberry and Dwight Gooden, the hiring of John Lucas as shooting coach and Victor Conte as trainer, and a name change for Ameriquest Field - now Pfizer Pfield. Michael Young will be cut (by Presidential Decree) for his reluctance to comply with the team’s new drug regimen.

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!