Belichick’s tearful admission: “I am actually homeless”

FOXBORO, MA — New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick finally let the world know the truth, and then he broke down and sobbed.

“I am homeless,” Belichick said, weeping. “That is why I dress like this. I’ve been out on the streets for about nine months.”

Belichick has been in the midst of a divorce for a couple of years, and in that time, he lost control of his home. For a period of time he was sleeping in his office at the Patriots training facility, but was informed by security that the Patriots insurance would not allow it. So, since about the beginning of the summer, he’s been on the streets.

“I remember looking up at the fireworks on the Fourth of July—they were having them near where I sleep in the Boston Common—and thinking, this isn’t so bad, this is like camping,” Belichick said. “Now, though, it’s getting a little cold.”

One of Belichick’s big problems, he states, is that he “foolishly” cut the sleeves off of his one sweatshirt sometime in August.

“It was so fucking hot, you know, and so I cut the sleeves off of my sweatshirt,” he said. “Talk about a dumb move. It gets cold in the winter in Boston, and the entire New England area in general. But, every time we’ve won the Super Bowl, Bob Kraft has had me over to spend a night at his house. So I’m looking forward and hoping for that.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!