Revisiting the Athens Olympics: A Retrospective

It’s only 38 days until the Olympic Games begin again where they began the first time, Athens. In three more days, the torch will complete its worldwide run and land in the Olympic city.

Athenians are rejoicing everywhere. “It’s such an exciting time to be Greek. Almost as good as when we fought the Trojans. Did you know that our Achilles was better-looking than Brad Pitt? Did you?” George Pappadopolous (no relation to the guy on Webster) said me while watching a Hercules marathon on the Sci-fi network. “And Hercules was stronger than that Kevin Sorbo, let me tell you. Hercules would never do that … or wear those stupid leather pants. Oh god! There’s just no respect for history these days.”

When asked if the Greeks would ever get past theirs, the man got so mad, he uttered obscenities with voluminous vowels.

“I’m as mad as Zeus right now. He is pissed that these people are invading our territory for the Olympics. He hates the Olympics. He says that men should not engage in activities meant for the gods.”

What, like curling?

“Okay, Miss Funny Lady, you go and see Zeus. He still lives at the top of Mt. Olympus. You ask him yourself.”

As I made the trek to the top of Mt. Olympus, I stopped and asked the Oracle. No, not the one at Delphi. The computer software I use to manage my databases. Oracle told me their stock was going up and I should continue to do the same.

I got to the top of the hill and saw this old, decrepit man. He had posters and movies, books and more portraying Zeus as the king of all gods.

I asked him, “Are you Zeus?”

He answered in the affirmative. We talked for several hours about nothing.

Did you know Zeus was a Seinfeld fan?

He told me that Hera ditched him. She took off with a Titan, because, well, he was always rock-solid. See, size does matter, even to a goddess.

He began to cry and asked me why people didn’t believe in him anymore. He was so upset that everyone’s been writing about these Athens Olympics and no one remembers why they were started — to honor the gods.

“I want my blood sacrifices. I don’t care if they are virginal or not. I’m not as picky these days as I used to be.”

When asked if he were planning something special for the Olympics, Zeus replied, “I’m not Al-Qaeda. I don’t rule by terror tactics anymore. At least not since the onset of technology.”

We then ate some ambrosia. I bid the king of all gods farewell and promised to tell this story.

He also asked me to remind my readers to remember him while watching the Olympics because, “It’s not easy being a God.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!